February is here again I’ve found myself overwhelmed with emotion, but struggling to find the words to express exactly how I feel. This month marks ONE YEAR since the darkest days of my life.
At this point last year I was just starting to get used to having 3 kids. Life was overwhelming at times and I had my own struggles, but it was…normal. Something I will never take for granted again.
Because in one day EVERYTHING changed. My Ollie got sick and suddenly every problem I thought I had disappeared as I became consumed with my greatest fear on Earth. Living in a PICU for 10 straight days, I saw things I knew existed, but never truly felt. I saw pain and heartache all around me and I felt emotions I never knew possible. Everything felt so hopeless.
I remember one specific moment walking through the hospital halls at 3 AM. Passing room after room of sick children, some of them completely alone with few visitors. I was leaking through my shirt, completely exhausted with tears in my eyes (Ollie was having a rough night and my surroundings made me feel SO heavy) as I walked back to the lactation room to pump. As I wrote the date on yet another label for my milk bottles, I lost it. I felt like I had done the same thing a million times. I had written down a million dates. WHEN was this going to end? Was it ever going to end? Would I ever hold my baby again? Would I ever get to feed him all of this milk? Would I ever sleep in my own bed again? Would I ever NOT feel the crushing weight of this emotional pain again? Would I ever stop crying? It didn’t seem possible. I never thought I’d be the same again.
And the truth is I’m not the same. But in an unexpected way.
Here we are now, a year later. The crushing weight is gone. By the grace of the good GOOD Lord, my sweet, precious baby is still in my arms. The pain still lingers sometimes, but not in the same way.
God took my hopeless, desperate, and defeated spirit and He renewed it. He showed me Himself and overwhelmed me with peace and strength that could only be found in Him. He took my utter despair and turned it into hope. He made Himself so incredibly known to me. He was so real. Not only did he save my baby, but He saved me.
By the time we left LeBonheur, the world was in utter disarray. Pain was everywhere. And if I hadn’t gone through what I had just experienced I probably would’ve joined right in. But instead I KNEW without a doubt who was the One in control. Not the president. Not the doctors. ONLY Jesus. And I had JOY in that. Being back at home with all 3 of my babies felt euphoric. I knew God had a plan and I knew it was good.
While I admit that I don’t know what God’s plan is for this pandemic and I probably never will this side of Heaven, I trust Him. Because I had the privilege of seeing SO many blessings come about as the result of my suffering.
To name a few:
-He healed my baby. He is now 98% in weight and healthy as can be. A precious miracle from God.
-He gave me a renewed since of motherhood. Before everything I was tired and weary. Having a 5 year old, toddler and newborn was rocking my world. While I still have my moments, I TRULY understand what a blessing my babies are. I try not to take even the most frustrating days for granted. Every single second is a GIFT. Life and health are a gift. Savor it.
-I was able to donate over 800 oz of breastmilk to NICU babies all over the US. Only by the grace of God did He equip me in that way. I pray that it was a blessing and answer to prayer to those parents.
-He instilled a strong sense of compassion in me. We experienced so much kindness from strangers, nurses, doctors, friends, family, and acquaintances. It made me so aware of how much better I could be doing in that regard. Now when I tell someone I’m going to pray for them, I really mean it. When someone is experiencing something hard, I do better at reaching out by telling them I’m praying for them and asking what I can do. Even with a mask I try to smile at strangers and really ask cashiers how their days have been. The other day I went to pick-up my ClickList and they came out to my car (with backup) to apologize because they lost half of my order. Sure it was inconvenient with a car full of little people, but I said not to worry and I’ll come back later. Accidents happen, I’m aware of that 80 times a day at my house. They were taken aback. They thanked me profusely for not getting angry at them. The must have said it 5 times. Clearly it was not the typical response they get and that made me sad. We all can do better. Even the smallest acts of kindness and understanding can make the hugest difference. It can be the difference in turning someone’s bad day good. I experienced it first hand in my time of need and I pray that I am now able to show others the light of Christ through my actions as well. Not only in an emergency but every day of my life.
-It has kept my heart focused on what really matters. That silly thing I was worrying about yesterday? God’s got it. That huge thing that gave me anxiety a year ago? God’s got that. Absolutely nothing is out of God’s hands.
-Due to our insurance situation afterwards I decided to have a mass removed from my back, mostly for cosmetic reasons. I’ve had it since I was a teenager and no less than 5 doctors have told me that it was simply a cyst and nothing to worry about. They all said to leave it alone instead of create an unsightly scar. After it was removed it was found to be a rare diagnosis (like 40 recorded cases ever) that had high potential to become cancerous. So basically, if we hadn’t met our deductible last year with Ollie I would have continued to have trusted the doctors who said not to worry and it could’ve eventually metastasized and killed me. But instead I was able to discover it and have further surgery to remove it entirely. Praise the Lord.
-My faith is stronger and my fear is weaker. And that is ONLY because I have seen God’s hand in my life and I am confident that His plan is good. Instead of finding panic amongst this pandemic and just 2020 in general, I found peace.
-I have seen how Ollie’s story has been used to encourage others in their own faith, especially in this crazy year. I’ve had strangers come up to me at the store saying they recognize me from posts and how Ollie helped them through their own dark times. My father-in-law had a stranger approach him at Walmart saying he was praying for my baby. That is the Lord. No other explanation. Even at 6 weeks old God was using him to speak to those 50 times his age. And the amount of people He led to pray for my baby and plead for his life on our behalf continues to overwhelm me. Thank you, God.
I could go on and on about the things I’ve learned in the last year. We just celebrated my precious boy’s first birthday. There was a day when I didn’t know if I’d ever get to do that. I have the honor of getting to watch him grow and tell him about all of the things the Lord has done through his life. He is such a gift. He is the smiliest, sweetest human I have ever met. He continues to draw people in wherever we go. He’s melted so many hearts and broken down so many barriers. His sweet smile gets so much attention and allows me the opportunity to tell strangers how the Lord saved him.
Let me encourage you. If you’re going through something right now and you don’t see an end in sight, have faith. With Jesus you will get through it. Give it to Him and let Him fill you with peace that only He can give. He will carry your burdens for you. He is the light in the dark dark tunnels.
So a year later here we are. We made it. God has used this past year to guide and heal us in ways we didn’t even know we needed. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about all of it. But every day I have the privilege of looking into my sweet boy’s smiling eyes and seeing how much my God loves me. I pray that his life continues to point all of us to Jesus. He’s a miracle and a blessing and I will praise God forever for giving me my precious Ollie.
If you'd like to read my first post with Oliver’s story, you can find it here:
Even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
Psalm 139:12
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Isaiah 43:12
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
John 16:33
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21