Well, hello! Has it been an eternity since I last blogged? January feels like years ago. 2020 has been the craziest 12 years of my life and it's only half over. I'm sure many others will agree. Besides the obvious state of the world, I will explain what I mean.
I will say that it started out on a mountain top! We met our newest babe, Oliver, on January 8. We didn't know if he was a boy or a girl and I decided that I was SO sure he was a girl and I bought a lot of hairbows but then he was a boy all along and that just shows what I know but he is absolutely perfect and we're obsessed with him *takes breath*. But for real. We are so thankful for our sweet Ollie (who is almost 6 months now) and he will ALWAYS make 2020 worth it.
He is also why I will never forget it.
He is also why I will never forget it.
Olivia Marino Photography
This is our story in a nutshell.
So at the end of February, 6 weeks later, Ollie started hacking a lot. The big kids both had a cold and I figured he got it too. Since it was the weekend (anyone else's kids ONLY get sick when the pediatrician is closed? Just me?) we had to take him to LeBonheur Urgent Care. We were in and out in 30 minutes. The doc there said, "He has a little congestion. We're not going to test him for RSV because he's fine. Minor issue." "Ok, they're not concerned so I won't be either." I then went about my day. The next day was a Sunday and Ollie was now completely miserable. He was coughing nonstop, screaming and crying all day (very unlike him), and was now refusing to nurse. It didn't feel right at all. For most of the day I hesitated taking him back to urgent care because I was just there 30 hours ago and they said he was fine. Are they going to think I'm crazy?? Should I wait for the pediatrician to open tomorrow morning and take him then? Then something clicked and I was like nope! I'm getting him help right now. I strapped him in his car seat and he vomited. Not spit up. Throw up. I then frantically rushed him back to urgent care. Due to his young age they took him straight back to be seen ASAP. They did an RSV test and while we waited for his results they did a deep nasal suction. After that he finally nursed a little. He now had a little fever and his oxygen saturation wasn't great. The results came back positive for RSV and they sent us downtown to LeBonheur Children's Hospital to be admitted right away. Always follow your Momma gut no matter what. I should've taken him that morning but wrestled in my head until the afternoon when I finally gave in.
So at the end of February, 6 weeks later, Ollie started hacking a lot. The big kids both had a cold and I figured he got it too. Since it was the weekend (anyone else's kids ONLY get sick when the pediatrician is closed? Just me?) we had to take him to LeBonheur Urgent Care. We were in and out in 30 minutes. The doc there said, "He has a little congestion. We're not going to test him for RSV because he's fine. Minor issue." "Ok, they're not concerned so I won't be either." I then went about my day. The next day was a Sunday and Ollie was now completely miserable. He was coughing nonstop, screaming and crying all day (very unlike him), and was now refusing to nurse. It didn't feel right at all. For most of the day I hesitated taking him back to urgent care because I was just there 30 hours ago and they said he was fine. Are they going to think I'm crazy?? Should I wait for the pediatrician to open tomorrow morning and take him then? Then something clicked and I was like nope! I'm getting him help right now. I strapped him in his car seat and he vomited. Not spit up. Throw up. I then frantically rushed him back to urgent care. Due to his young age they took him straight back to be seen ASAP. They did an RSV test and while we waited for his results they did a deep nasal suction. After that he finally nursed a little. He now had a little fever and his oxygen saturation wasn't great. The results came back positive for RSV and they sent us downtown to LeBonheur Children's Hospital to be admitted right away. Always follow your Momma gut no matter what. I should've taken him that morning but wrestled in my head until the afternoon when I finally gave in.
Everyone's baby gets RSV at some point, yes? Maybe not everyone but I knew it was super common so I wasn't TOO concerned. I absolutely hated seeing him not feeling great, but I didn't think this was a life or death situation by any means. He was given a high flow cannula and seemed to do well over night. The next day, however, was a different story. He went from being ok to being in bad shape over the course of a few hours. Matt and I were quickly becoming very concerned. By the end of the day we were in the PICU for a more intense treatment route. He was really struggling to breathe on his own. I'm now hysterical and we are TERRIFIED. The next morning he was worsening and they made the decision to intubate him. A sight I don't wish on any parent ever. Along with that he was heavily sedated and on a paralytic that made him motionless. This was mostly how he remained for the next 10 days.
For unknown reasons his illness peaked many days after it was expected to. The docs were even discussing putting him on ECMO at one point (a machine that basically removes blood from the body, continuously sweeping the excess CO2 away and putting it back in- don't quote me on this but I think that's the jist). I do believe this would've been the last thing they could've done to help him. His lungs were so sick and not only not improving, but were continuing to get worse. For days. On top of that he developed NEC (Necrotizing Entercolitis). His belly got very big and distended. This condition is most common in preemies and has a very high mortality rate. This led to other GI issues that he still carries with him.
I could go on and on telling you every little setback and scary medical thing that happened that terrified us to our core, but that doesn't matter any more. Overall what I took from this is MUCH greater than fear.
For unknown reasons his illness peaked many days after it was expected to. The docs were even discussing putting him on ECMO at one point (a machine that basically removes blood from the body, continuously sweeping the excess CO2 away and putting it back in- don't quote me on this but I think that's the jist). I do believe this would've been the last thing they could've done to help him. His lungs were so sick and not only not improving, but were continuing to get worse. For days. On top of that he developed NEC (Necrotizing Entercolitis). His belly got very big and distended. This condition is most common in preemies and has a very high mortality rate. This led to other GI issues that he still carries with him.
I could go on and on telling you every little setback and scary medical thing that happened that terrified us to our core, but that doesn't matter any more. Overall what I took from this is MUCH greater than fear.
So long story short, we were there in total for 29 nights/days. A week after we came home after our first stay his belly became distended again and he started vomiting/not eating. We took him back for 3 days. A week after that the same thing happened. 3 more days. Then finally we were home for good.
I can't say ANY of it was easy. The beginning of it all was the darkest time of my life. The helplessness I felt as a mom who couldn't help her baby. Seeing him lay there lifeless and not being able to pick him up and nurse or cuddle him. I was emotionally and physically so weak. I didn't know I could cry so much. For days I could see the worry in the doctors' eyes when they came in to examine him and give us an update. No one would tell us he was going to be ok. They said over and over again, "He is very sick but we really hope he will get through this."
The picture above was taken 6 days in. My worst day. For some reason I always had the idea that a week in he would be on the mend and everything would be fine. That was a day away and he was the worst I had seen him. His whole body became swollen over night and his eyelids were bulging. He did not look like my baby. I woke up crying and I don't think I stopped until I fell asleep that night. His nurse that day kept rubbing my back as I sobbed (bless the healthcare workers who have to see people at their worst every time they go to work- it takes someone so special). She set me up to hold him for I think the second time since we got there. I kept waiting for him to flinch or open his eyes. Or smile at me. But he didn't. He was limp and heavy. I don't know why Matt took this picture. I had tears in my eyes and I did not feel like smiling. You can see the exhaustion in my face. I can't look at it without all of those feelings rushing back over me.
The picture above was taken 6 days in. My worst day. For some reason I always had the idea that a week in he would be on the mend and everything would be fine. That was a day away and he was the worst I had seen him. His whole body became swollen over night and his eyelids were bulging. He did not look like my baby. I woke up crying and I don't think I stopped until I fell asleep that night. His nurse that day kept rubbing my back as I sobbed (bless the healthcare workers who have to see people at their worst every time they go to work- it takes someone so special). She set me up to hold him for I think the second time since we got there. I kept waiting for him to flinch or open his eyes. Or smile at me. But he didn't. He was limp and heavy. I don't know why Matt took this picture. I had tears in my eyes and I did not feel like smiling. You can see the exhaustion in my face. I can't look at it without all of those feelings rushing back over me.
BUT! The very next day God began His work in me. When I was at my absolute emotional breaking point and didn't know how much more I could take.
I can't even explain how near He was to us. I constantly felt Him whispering in my ear, "I am with you. I am near to the brokenhearted. I will give the weary strength. Ollie is mine. You are mine. And I WILL provide for you."
As the days and nights dragged on I began feeling different. My utter hopelessness began to transform into faith and my weakness to strength. I knew it wasn't coming from within myself, but from the giver of life. He was literally breathing life back into me. I began to feel myself in my body again. I was no longer numb and nauseous. I began to feel JOY. Joy because I accepted that HE was in control. Not me. It was liberating. I was filled with hope. I was at peace. I could eat. I could sleep. I was able to be there for my baby and be strong for him. I could rub his sweet head and smile at him without being overcome with immense sadness and grief. The weeping began to fade. Because I knew God was the one in control. He took my burden from me. And it was SO heavy. I could feel the maker of the entire universe taking care of ME. My baby was in HIS hands. How amazing is that? While the first week was dark, even while Ollie was still super sick, God's restoration began to take shape. Not only in Ollie, but in me.
I can't even explain how near He was to us. I constantly felt Him whispering in my ear, "I am with you. I am near to the brokenhearted. I will give the weary strength. Ollie is mine. You are mine. And I WILL provide for you."
As the days and nights dragged on I began feeling different. My utter hopelessness began to transform into faith and my weakness to strength. I knew it wasn't coming from within myself, but from the giver of life. He was literally breathing life back into me. I began to feel myself in my body again. I was no longer numb and nauseous. I began to feel JOY. Joy because I accepted that HE was in control. Not me. It was liberating. I was filled with hope. I was at peace. I could eat. I could sleep. I was able to be there for my baby and be strong for him. I could rub his sweet head and smile at him without being overcome with immense sadness and grief. The weeping began to fade. Because I knew God was the one in control. He took my burden from me. And it was SO heavy. I could feel the maker of the entire universe taking care of ME. My baby was in HIS hands. How amazing is that? While the first week was dark, even while Ollie was still super sick, God's restoration began to take shape. Not only in Ollie, but in me.
Now I know that often God does not choose to save. Sometimes His perfect plan does not include physical healing. Of course I knew this. I knew that if that were the case for us He was still good. And yes I struggled greatly with the thought of losing my baby and what that would look like for me. But while the doctor's couldn't tell me confidently that my son was going to live, God did. In His own way He expressed to me the words I craved. "Our baby will be okay. Because He is mine." I can't explain it but at that point I KNEW he would live. God spoke this comfort into my heart and I held onto that hope with all the faith that I had.
Can you see the difference? This smile isn't the same as than the last. I still had a very sick baby, but I KNEW to whom we belonged and I felt safe in His grasp.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do was give my baby up. To relinquish all control and fully give him to God. To trust Him COMPLETELY with my most precious possession. But once God gave me the strength to do so, the result was far greater than I could imagine. I traded fear for rest. Like real rest. Not just physical rest but mental and emotional rest. Rest that ONLY could be found in Him. He took my weary soul and began to restore it. And He was faithful to His promise to me.
He saved my baby.
He saved my baby.
The moment they removed the ventilator and I heard his little voice and saw his whole face for the first time in 10 days. Sweet angel. One of the greatest moments of my life. I will never forget it as long as I live.
Now I'm not going to lie and say I didn't have moments of weakness after God got a grip on my heart. I definitely had moments when Satan tried to sneak in thoughts of fear and "what if." He tried to steal my hope. He tried to wake me up in the night with a beeping machine just to fill my head with lies. But God was with me. And I found him constantly pulling me back to Him. No matter how far I would let my thoughts and fears take me. Satan did not win.
I'm also not going to lie and say that I don't still carry those thoughts and fears with me even today, 3 months later. Every day I have some kind of flashback that brings me pain and often tears. Trauma doesn't just go away no matter how strong your faith may be. Satan will always be there to remind you of it and try to use it to take you down with him.
Don't let him.
When this happens to me I look at my baby. If he's sleeping. If he's awake. If he's with grandma I look at a picture. Because when I look in my son's eyes I see Jesus. I am reminded that He loves me far greater than I even love my own children. He feels our pain and He carries our burdens. He is with us. And now the little scars on his body remind me not of my pain (which was far greater than Ollie's), but of His faithfulness that brought us through the worst days of our life.
Don't let him.
When this happens to me I look at my baby. If he's sleeping. If he's awake. If he's with grandma I look at a picture. Because when I look in my son's eyes I see Jesus. I am reminded that He loves me far greater than I even love my own children. He feels our pain and He carries our burdens. He is with us. And now the little scars on his body remind me not of my pain (which was far greater than Ollie's), but of His faithfulness that brought us through the worst days of our life.
I want THIS to be the thing I remember from all of this. I will most likely carry the scary stuff with me forever. It's hard to forget it. But God not only saved my boy, but He saved me through this experience. And for that I am eternally grateful.
So to wrap up and encourage you in the weird world today (I could type for days about God's goodness to me through this experience):
Whether it be a pandemic, a sick child or something else you're going through personally, God is with you. He hears you. He loves you. He longs for you to know Him. LET HIM! Give Him your burdens, your fears, your babies, and let Him carry you. I promise it will never be something you regret. No one is too broken to be restored by our Savior.
Whether it be a pandemic, a sick child or something else you're going through personally, God is with you. He hears you. He loves you. He longs for you to know Him. LET HIM! Give Him your burdens, your fears, your babies, and let Him carry you. I promise it will never be something you regret. No one is too broken to be restored by our Savior.
I pray that Ollie's story is used for His glory and encourages you. Even though we left the hospital and went straight into home-quarantine, I had a new outlook on life. I was able to rest in the hope and peace I get from Christ instead of dwelling in fear. I pray that you are able to do the same because of what He's done for you on the cross.
I also want to use this space to thank every one of you who prayed for our Ollie, brought/sent food and gifts, the texts and cards, etc. The comfort we felt knowing the extent of how many people were lifting us up and loving on us can't be put into words. God heard our prayers. We wish we could thank you all individually. We love and appreciate you from the bottom of our hearts.
I also wanted to point out how THANKFUL we are for LeBonheur. While I never wish you have to call that place home for any amount of time, the love and care we received there was truly a gift from God. I'm so thankful God placed it in our city so that we could benefit from all of the smart and wonderful people there in our greatest time of need.
This was the HAPPIEST day- the first time we left after 22 days inside.
(Poor Ollie hadn't seen the sun in so long he forgot how to be outside)
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21
P.S. If you desire to read all of the posts that were made in real time while we were there, they're available on my Facebook and Instagram. They have all of the details and I feel they are a better representation of how God began to re-mold my heart to be completely reliant on Him. From fear to redemption. He has already written such a beautiful story into Ollie's life.
Praise Him.
Praise Him.